Ilya Kaminsky

"This is how we live on earth, a flock of sparrows.

The darkness, a magician, finds quarters 

behind our ears. We don't know what life is,

who makes it, the reality is thick 

with longing. We put it up to our lips

and drink. "

I knew this girl in high school who was awkward [the kind that you don't grow out of]. She was always a few years behind everyone socially, and at times she could be quite creepy. Of all the memories I have of this girl one sticks out in particular. My freshman year, prom was on a boat. I went to a really small school in high school so it was not a very big boat but it made its way around the harbor, under the Coronado bridge and back again. It was beautiful. About 3/4 into the night everyone had grown bored and a bit cold from being outside and were inside laughing, blushing, taking pictures for myspace and I had wandered outside just to get some fresh air. And she was there right at the front of the boat resting her elbows on the railing, shoulders up around her ears, silently crying. I remember this moment so well because I remember how picturesque it looked. If this were a movie, it would be the part where the dashinly handsome front man would come from behind, take her in his arms and with out a word, he would kiss her. The music would swell and maybe some people watching the movie would cry. I also remember this because it wasn't a movie, there was no perfect lighting, no evocative orchestral music and all I saw was a girl, crying, waiting for her one and only love [who at the time was Aron Carter] to come and plant a big fat kiss right on her face

Wake up and smell the...life.

I'm wide awake, its morning.

Another day? So quickly? I have to figure out what I am wearing again? And what to eat again? And take tests? And socialize again?  And make choices? And deal with the bad ones I have already made that might not be resolved for a few more "another day?"s?

Yup. Life never stops.

Lack Luster.

I remember the days when i wrote down quotes and tried to live by them. The days when life had that extra ''something''. I was bright eyed and I was unscathed. The days before any hearts got broken,  before love had been even introduced formally when it was just an idea and i was in love with it. Everything meant something to me back then. Consequently I was much closer to God in those days.
But slowly, I  "grew up". I taught myself  to stay unaffected by songs and the quotes and the books and the dreams. I was growing "stronger" and I was doing a great job of it too. No longer would I be bothered with silly whims, I was better than that now. No longer would I pine after the things that used to cause riots and rapture within me. No longer would li acknowledge the the extra "something"


No longer would I find it easy to just believe in things unseen.
No longer would I be moved to tears by the Holy Spirit.
No longer would I keep my faith in people. Or anything.
It was easy to get here. But its going to be hard going back.

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